Don’t Be Bullied - Overcoming Aggression and Abuse

Bullying occurs in many settings and sometimes we may not even recognise or describe it as such. It may be physical, as in the case of an abusive spouse or parent, which is perhaps the easier kind to recognise. But sometimes it is verbal or emotional bullying and can be subtle though non-the-less damaging. In the workplace this can be common, particularly from more senior people.

My first bullying experience
I remember my first bullying experience very well. I was in primary school doing grade three or four. I can’t remember how it all started, but I found myself having to give money or food to these two “terrible twins” during break time. Funny thing is they were more or less my size.

Initially, they would come up to me and grab my shirt or punch me on the arm and demand what they wanted. I gave in without a fight. It was the first time such a thing had happened to me and the shock made me unable to respond any other way. Over time they stopped even really threatening me. They would just show up and I would hand over whatever I had to them. No questions. No objections.

Eventually it got so bad that I started dreading going to school. Break time was simply unbearable. They would continually bother me. I didn’t want to tell anyone at home because I thought my uncles and aunties, with whom we were staying, would laugh at me. Sure they would help me, but their teasing about me being bullied from then on would be even more unbearable.

One evening at home I got to thinking about it seriously. It became very clear that there was only one solution to the problem. I had to stand up for myself. I had to show them that I had had enough. This had to stop.

By the next day I had psyched myself up to a level where I felt I could confront them. I couldn’t wait for break time for them to try their stunt. Sure I was scared, but I desperately wanted to put an end to the bullying.

I did not have to wait long. At break time they came along in their usual confident manner. That was what I had been waiting for. They asked me for my food. I said no. I remember at that point their stance changed. They became unsure of themselves almost immediately. One of them said that if I didn’t hand over the food he would beat me up. That’s exactly what I wanted.

Without wasting any time, lest they should change their minds, I dropped my bag behind me and put the food down. I clenched my fists and said “ok.” A few seconds passed in silence. They looked at each other in disbelief. They kept looking back and forth, first at me and then at each other. I maintained my “ready” stance.

Then, unexpectedly, they laughed sheepishly, turned and walked away. That was the end of my bullying. It never happened again. I had overcome my fears and stood up for myself. It was a great feeling. I knew then that I never had to take any nonsense from anyone when it was within my power to stop it. Fear is truly the only thing we have to fear.

A sweeter victory
Years later, in my second year of studies at university I met one of the two bullies. I went to a tuck-shop to buy something. He was on the other side of the counter serving me. What irony, I thought. How true it appeared to me then that people who bully others are really the ones in need of help.

“You don’t have to fight to be a man, but sometimes you have to fight when you’re a man.” These are the words from Kenny Rogers’ famous song “Coward of the County.” They are very true. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and for what is right. There is a saying that people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. So you have to make your stance clear in the face of bullying.

Bullying in the workplace
This is a lot harder when the bully is your boss, or an elderly person such as a parent. I have heard of and encountered bosses who treat their subordinates like garbage. Forever shouting at people, telling them off, and sometimes even being physically abusive. What are you to do in such a situation? You need the money right?

In his book “Fighting back: Overcoming bullying in the work place,” David Graves says that bullies actually “have difficulty in communicating effectively and are very jealous of people who are popular, have stable relationships and get on well with others. Bullies are emotionally immature and thus crave attention. However, bullies are often frightened of being exposed for what they are, and that is, not very good at their job.” So remember that most often you are not to blame for the bullying and it is actually the bully who is the weaker person.

Take your stance
It has been my experience and those of others that have taken their stance, that when people know that you will not accept such behaviour from them they change. I know of a friend who stood up to a more senior doctor in the hospital that was verbally abusive and he told him very plainly that he would not accept being spoken to in such a manner.

The senior stopped talking to him that way. What is interesting is that this person continued speaking rudely to other people in the presence of this friend of mine, but would be courteous and polite when addressing him. So the others had not taken a stance. They had accepted such treatment and hence were receiving it.

Be firm
However, you do not have to be confrontational or rude when doing this. You can be courteous, polite and very frank about it. What you must absolutely do is show your sincerity, your conviction and your determination to not accept the bullying under any circumstances.

Your aim should be to preserve the relationship whilst getting rid of the bullying as far as you can help it. Very often, adults who bully others do not realise that their behaviour is disrespectful or mean and will appreciate your honesty and courage.

They may gain a deeper respect for you for bringing it into the open. What if, after all that, they don’t stop bullying? Ignore it. There is nothing more annoying and disempowering to a bully than the realisation that you are not intimidated by their bullying.

Either way, you will have power over the situation and not them. That is a very nice place to be.

You are all you can be. Go on and be it.